What it was like once he was gone
by VanessaMaria18
Summary: Hermione is left heartbroken and crushed and no longer cares if she lives or dies, what can bring her back from such destruction? Dramione rated for safety and future chapters, please read my notes at the top before the story.


**Hi everyone, long time no speak. I'm afraid that I am still really unwell and it doesn't look like I'll be getting better :( I have been going through my computer to clear it out and I found this old story I know only a few of my other stories are finished and it's a bit useless to start another but I thought I would put it up so you guys can read it anyway. It hasn't been checked so I apologise for spelling and grammar mistakes. Hope you like it, it's set in 7th year (they went back to school).**

Hermione Granger stared soullessly at the food in front of her. Her eyes were grey and blurred, black circles engulfed them standing out against her pale skin. Her hands shook as she reached for a bread roll, a bread roll that she placed in front of her and didn't touch for the rest of the meal. She sucked in ragged breath after ragged breath the feel of air in her lungs painful and stabbing. Her shoulders hunched as she stared at the table before her.

"Hermione?" Ginny whispered and the lifeless girl turned her head to look at the fiery red head next to her. Ginny almost felt her own tears form as the simmering un shed ones shone at her from Hermione's eyes. The girl looked completely lost like there was nothing left in the world for her to live for.

"Yea?" The brunette croaked out her voice raw and sore from the crying. Ginny shook her head not daring to speak in case she said the wrong thing and caused further upset to Hermione. It seemed these days that the simplest things upset the fragile girl in front of her. Harry had brought up Quidditch in conversation yesterday and Hermione had let out such an agonised cry they had actually thought she had injured herself in some way. Hermione dragged her eyes back to the plate before her and continued to stare down at it. That was until Blaise and Pucey rose from the Slytherin table across the room. Her eyes shot up to look at them the same way they did every day since. They're eyes met and for a long moment the pain was mutual, they understood how the other felt. Both boys sent her one solemn nod before they broke the gaze and left the room.

Her eyes returned to the plate before her.

Ginny looked at Harry and Ron and even they looked concerned now. They hadn't cared at the beginning, called Hermione stupid and pathetic said he had deserved everything that had happened to him. Hermione hadn't said one word to either since.

Slowly Hermione rose to her feet her entire body shaking as if the simple act of standing up took to much of her energy away from her.

"Where are you going?" Ginny asked, just like she asked every day and just like every day Hermione turned her empty eyes to the other girl and blinked once before walking away.

"We've got to do something" Ginny sighed looking at the boys.

"What? It's not like we can conjure the asshole out of thin air" Ron muttered and Ginny sent him a scathing look.

"No one asked him to do what he did it was his own damn fault" Harry agreed, Ginny just shook her head and left the table.

Hermione sat in the astronomy tower staring out over the vast expansion of land that stretched out before her. She let the harsh winter chill bite at her skin and closed eyes imagining it was his hand on her face. There was no explaining the way things had happened but she wouldn't have changed them for the world. She had written a letter just like she wrote everyday, she continued to write them even now, even after his letter of death had arrived. She didn't address them, there was no where to address them to. Just wrote his name on the envelope and sent the owl off into the night, if the owl ever came back with letter still attached to it's leg she sent it back out again. She wasn't stupid she knew the letters would fall off or get torn and drop from the creatures leg but she liked to believe that wasn't what was happening.

This day was no different she attached the parchment to a bird and let it go watching as it flew out over the mountains not realising that it's recipient was no where to be found. She dropped her head and let the tears fall now she was finally alone. She never seemed to ever be alone anymore. The wind bit even harder at her face as it hit the pearly tears rolling down her cheeks and dried them almost instantly into small spheres of ice.

When it had first happened she refused to believe it, told them all that the ministry had gotten it wrong it couldn't be him, he couldn't die. She'd marched down there and demanded they write a retractment but once they refused and refused the realisation had begun to dawn on her. He was gone. That had been when this soul destroying grief had taken over her entire body. It had been a comfort to see Blaise and Pucey at first but now she hated them with her very being, they were a constant real life reminder of him and she detested them for it. She knew they felt the same about her which was why she tolerated them. It wasn't their fault, nothing was.

Drawing in a ragged breath and wiping away the tears she left the tower and headed down to patrol the corridors on prefect duty. They had taken her prefect duties away on the night that it had happened though…

_"WHAT!" She screamed as she read and re read the letter._

_"Please Herms calm down" Ginny begged and she backed off from the enraged brunette._

_"Don't you dare tell me to calm down! They're lying to me! Telling lies that he's DEAD!" She screamed even louder now earning them an audience of passer bye's._

_"It say's he's dead?" Ginny whispered her eyes wide._

_"Yes it bloody well does! How dare they lie about something like this!" Hermione demanded._

_"MISS GRANGER! CALM DOWN!" McGonagall's voice rang throughout the halls and Hermione rounded on her. _

_"Shut the HELL UP!" Hermione screamed and the Professor glowered._

_"My office NOW!" _

They had stripped her instantly of her prefect abilities under grief related stress. However once it became clear that the prefects could not and did not function without her she was reinstated. It didn't run much better now though, all Hermione did was her rounds she no longer planned the routes and organised the others. Just did what she had to to get by.

The once tanned, beautiful, spirited and radiant girl wrapped her cloak around her frail frame and headed down from the tower. She refused to allow herself more than a few minutes a day in that tower, it was too painful to sit and wait for a reply that she just wasn't getting, and would never get. She hated this next lesson and rarely attended it, this had been a shock and horror to the rest of the school for quite a while but now she regularly skipped class and people just seemed to let her.

Today however she had managed to drag herself to potions. She shouldered the large dungeon door open and stopped dead, a Slytherin boy that she couldn't remember the name of was sitting there, right at the back, his chair tilted back so it was balancing on two legs and his arms behind his head as he laughed with the girl in front of him. He was sitting in HIS seat. She didn't move, just stood completely still in the middle of the doorway, which meant that the next person in went crashing into her back. She stumbled forwards but only slightly still keeping her eyes on the boy. She glanced at the person who had crashed into her and was a little shocked to find that it was Blaise.

The dark skinned Slytherin looked up at her and instantly saw the pain in her eyes, the pain was always there but this was different, this was an urgent pain, a desperate pain.

"What is it?" He asked intently and she turned her gaze back to the boy leaning back in his chair. Blaise followed her eyes and instantly his own eyes turned hard, he gently placed a hand on Hermione's back and nodded in reassurance before walking across the room.

"Get out of the chair" He whispered to the boy who looked up at Blaise.

"Oh come off it, this is the best chair in the classroom. He's not coming back to sit in it" The boy scoffed and before Blaise could react Hermione was across the room her wand pointed at the boys throat.

"He said get out the chair" She hissed her eyes blank still void of emotion even now but this made her terrifying. At this moment Snape walked into the room and the boy smirked realising that Snape would tell the others off for threatening him.

"SIR!" He called out but neither Hermione or Blaise blinked as Snape turned his head to the commotion.

"Jeffery, please vacate that chair and return to your usual seat" Snape instructed and the boy's eyes bulged.

"You're kidding! you can't-" He snapped in shock and Snape glared.

"Do as I say!" The professor ordered and the boy nodded scampering to the other side of the room. Hermione let out a slow breath and stared at the now empty seat and the two empty ones either side of it. She felt the sharp stab of pain in her throat and bit her lip hard to stop herself from breaking down. She looked at all three seats for a moment longer before nodding at Blaise and walking to her seat across the room.

Hermione dropped into her seat and blinked, Harry and Ron were seated in front of her but had given up on trying to get her to talk to them during this lesson so they sat with their backs to her.

"Good Morning class, today we will be studying the invisibility potion… can anyone tell me the ingredients of the invisibility potion?" He asked his eyes landing on Hermione, the brunette stared back at him and blinked her face not moving from its heart broken position. Snape sighed and carried on with the lesson trying his best not to look at the destroyed girl sitting silently at a desk. Hermione stared blankly at the front of the room her heart striking her with sharp stabs with each beat. This was always the worst lesson of the day, this was the lesson she had shared with him.

She glanced towards the back of the room where he, Hermione and Blaise had all sat together, laughing and joking. She choked back a strangled sob and shook her head getting to her feet. Everyone in the room turned to look at her but that was fine she was more than used to people looking these days. Blaise rose to his feet too and slowly the pair walked out the room. Neither said a word as they headed up to the grounds of the castle. When the doors swung open the bitter frost bit at their skin but slowly hermione closed her eyes and let a smile settle on her features.

The chilling cold let her feel something, it let her lose herself for a brief moment and forget the pain that crushed her soul everyday. The pair walked side by side over the icy stones and down onto the snow covered grass. Hermione undid her cloak and let it drop to the floor, gathering in a mound of snow. She pulled her jumper over her head and let it slip from her fingers before closing her eyes and tilting her head back to face the sky. Blaise didn't shout at her, he didn't demand she put on her clothes and warm up he just wondered off in a slow circle around the rest of the lake, that was the reason she let him walk with her they shared the same emotion and he never demanded that she feel better when that just wasn't possible.

Hermione let the snow fall gently on her skin and stick to her eye lashes she felt the cold bite at her bare arms and face and smiled softly. Slowly the cold no longer seemed to have an effect as she lost the ability to feel the snow falling on her skin. She opened her eyes and realised Blaise was no longer with her, she briefly wondered how long she'd been standing there, turning she bent to pick up her clothes and realised that her fingers were light blue along with most of her arms. She tilted her head slightly and lifted her arm to her face, there was no panic or fear, she lost the ability to fear death a long time ago. She picked up her things and walked into the castle, when she opened the doors the rush of warmth hit her hard and sent immediate, extremely painful pins and needles shooting all over her body. She recoiled and backed back out into the snow.

At that moment McGonagall walked past and turned her face to see Hermione. The professor let out a horrified gasp and dashed out into the snow to the young girl.

"Hermione? Hermione are you alright?" She hurried and the brunette turned to face the woman a bitter smile on her face. "We need to get you warm" McGonagall almost shouted but the voice seemed so far away and quiet to Hermione almost as if she wasn't inside her own body anymore, that was all she remembered before the world fizzled out into darkness.

The brunette awoke to the harsh fluorescent lighting of the hospital wing. She heard a dissent clatter repeating itself and then realised it was her own teeth, she was covered in a warm deep orange glow that she assumed was the work of madame pomfrey and her heating charms. The brunette lifted her hand to her hair only to notice that her fingers had turned a deep purple.

"Miss Granger!" Madame Pomfrey called as she noticed the girl was now conscious. "How do you feel?" She asked and the girl blinked confused as to why it was so hard to close her eyes.

"Stiff" She replied and the healer smiled.

"That's normal, you have server frost bite in most of your fingers and a lot of damage to your face and arms" She told her and Hermione nodded not really phased by this information. "It's quite ok though I managed to catch it before it was too late, you will have to keep the aurora around you for quite a while but everything will heal back to the way it was" She smiled kindly and Hermione was a little taken aback at how this information didn't effect her. The healer cast one more look over the shivering girl and headed down the hospital wing towards the other patients.

Exhausted Hermione closed her eyes and allowed sleep to claim her once more.

_The brunette shifted as she felt a weight press down on her mattress. Sleepy eyed she blinked and rubbed a hand over her face, that was when she felt the familiar embrace slip around her waist and pull her against a warm chest. For a moment she froze, her limbs unable to move from the shock of his touch and then she kicked into action. She flew around her hands shooting out in front of her and grabbing his warm chest to keep him with her at all times._

_"D-Draco?" She whispered as her eyes met his and a stunning smile spilt across her face for the first time in months._

_"Hello sweets" He whispered back his hands running through her hair._

_"What are you doing here? They said you were dead? Where have you been? You left me all alone! I've missed you so-" She hurried trying to get her words out and stumbling over them as she did so. But Draco placed a finger over her lips silencing her cries._

_"How I have missed you" He smiled drinking in her appearance. "Now what are you doing in here rather than you're room hey?" He asked running a hand down her shoulders and picking up her hand. He inspected her blue fingers and limbs checking for any sign of permanent damage. He sighed and shook his head looking up into her eyes once again. "Hermione, what are you doing to yourself?" He whispered and she felt the tears sting her eyes as a flood of emotion hit her._

_"I-I don't know" She managed to mumble and Draco sighed taking a deep breath and wrapping his hands around her blue fingers._

_"You've got to be more careful love, I cant loose you, please… for me? And please try to get better quickly, I need you to" He asked and she sighed before slowly nodding her head in agreement. He smiled and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "That's my girl, I love you sweets" He murmured and she felt his lips move against her forehead smiling to herself._

She jolted awake so violently that the whole bed shook with her movements, she whipped to the side throwing the covers off about to smother him in kisses but… he wasn't there. Her head flung violently from side to side… no it couldn't be a dream, it wasn't a dream, he was here, HE WAS HERE! A heart breaking sob wrenched itself from her small frame as she realised it was all in her head. He wasn't here, of course he wasn't.

"Herms?" A voice from the doorway called and she violently snapped her head to face it and let out a defatted sigh.

"Hi Gin" She mumbled before sitting back against the wall behind her.

"How are you feeling? Professor McGonagall told me she found you freezing in the snow" The red head asked the sheer confusion evident it her voice. Hermione nodded shrugging her shoulders seemingly unfazed. The red head sighed and pulled up a seat next to the bed. "Hermione, please don't take this badly but do you really think this is what he would want?" She asked and Hermione stared at her friend, frowning at how close this was to her dream. The red head took this silence as a sign she should continue. "He would want you to live your life to the best you could. Can you imagine what he'd do if he found you harming yourself? He'd blow up" Ginny smiled and Hermione let the briefest of smiles grace her features at the thought of him shouting at her as she giggled and laughed at how daft he was being. Ginny beamed at the sight of it and realised her friend must be having a good day today, seizing the opportunity she carried on "So in spirt of cheering up what say you and me go into Hogsmead? Its saturday and McGonagall wont mind" The red head almost begged. Hermione chewed on her lip thinking about it, her brain wondered to Draco's face so clear in her mind, he wanted her to live.

"Ok" She sighed finally and Ginny beamed.

"Really!? Oh Hermione that's fantastic! I'll go get dressed and I'll see you outside the Great Hall in 15 minutes!" Ginny called already running out the door and up to her dorm. Hermione shook her head and looked up to the ceiling.

"I miss you" She whispered.

Ginny skipped a pace in front of Hermione as the left Honey dukes and headed into The Three Broomsticks.

"Want a drink?" Ginny called as Hermione say down and the red head skipped over to the bar.

"Firewhiskey!" Hermione called and Ginny stopped walking, swivelling on her heel to face the brunette.

"Excuse me?" The red head asked folding her arms over her chest. Hermione couldn't help but offer a brief smile as she realised this was the first time Ginny had acted like the old Ginny since he'd gone.

"A firewhiskey" She repeated and Ginny shook her head.

"We are not spending the day in here as I watch you get drunk, you can have a butter beer or a water. Your choice." She instructed and Hermione's smile returned.

"A butter beer please" She requested and the red head nodded before disappearing through the crowds.

**So I had an idea for where I wanted this to go but if you guys have your own ideas please let me know I always love to hear them and like to change the story to fit some in, I will be passing this story on so it wont disappear forever. It's no where near finished just thought I would let you guys see it. Thank you for being so understanding with me. VaM xx**


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